


Hinata Shouyou And His Complete And Utter Lack Of Empathy

by dekuwhomst



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Broken Bones, Captain Ennoshita Chikara, Clumsy Ninja, Crack, Crack Taken Mostly Seriously, Gen, Haikyuu!! Manga Spoilers, Hinata Scams People, Hinata Sells Therapy And Chicken Nuggets, Hinata Shouyou is Bad at Feelings, Hinata Shouyou is a Little Shit, Kageyama Tobio Needs a Hug, Kageyama Tobio is Bad at Feelings, Minor Character Death, No Romance, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Out of Character, Plot Conveniences, Second Year Hinata Shouyou, Short Chapters, Skateboarder Yamaguchi Tadashi, Skateboarding, Swearing, The Author Regrets Everything, Tsukishima Kei is So Done, Yamaguchi Is Robbed, shitpost
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:21:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25673488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dekuwhomst/pseuds/dekuwhomst
Summary: “So, that’s why I’m emotionally detached and don’t give my all to the sport I used to love.”“Wow, Stupidshima, sounds rough.” said Shouyou. “Wan’ another McNugget?"---The one where Hinata Shouyou raises money for a new bike, Kageyama definitely needs to talk to someone, Tsukishima doesn't know when to shut the fuck up and Yamaguchi breaks both of his arms. Now featuring dramatic shifts in tone.
Relationships: Hinata Natsu & Hinata Shouyou, Hinata Shouyou & Everyone, Hinata Shouyou & Hinata Shouyou's Family, Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou & Tsukishima Kei, Hinata Shouyou & Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 25
Kudos: 97





	1. Good God What Is Wrong With This Boy

Shouyou slammed his fist down on the kitchen table. _“That’s it!”_

“Shouyou, honey,” his long-suffering mother sighed, exhausted. “ _Please_ don’t do that again.”

“Sorry!” Shouyou folded his arms and forced his face to be more solemn. This failed entirely, his face cracking into his usual bright grin. “I’m starting a _business!_ ”

“Woah!” Natsu yelled. “What kind?”

Shouyou steepled his fingers like a scheming supervillain. “ _Chicken nuggets.”_

“Shouyou.” His mother sounded as though she was about to cry. “Last time you tried to cook, your dad left and I’m _still_ in therapy. And it’s okay, we have more than enough money to buy you a new bike.”

“That’s the thing!” Shouyou yelled pointing at her dramatically. “I’ll _buy_ the chicken nuggets! And sell them at a higher price!” He paused for breath. “Huh, now you mention therapy… I could do that too!”

“You suck at comforting people, though!” Natsu chimed in, not unkindly.

“Hey!” Shouyou whined. “I’m _great_ at comforting people!”

“You made your friend- what was he called, the nice freckly green one- Yamaguchi cry once.” Mrs Hinata put in.

“Look, he’s cool and all, but Yamaguchi _always_ cries!” Shouyou brushed the point away with completely unreasonable confidence. “I’d be a great therapist! Just watch!”


	2. The Scamming Of Suckishima

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima Kei is the first to be stonks'nt'd.

So that was how Hinata Shouyou, short crow supreme, ended up sitting at a rickety table on the street selling overpriced McDonald’s McNuggets and probably-illegal therapy.

“Okay, so,” a familiar salty voice said, “what the fuck?”

“Hi, Tsukishima!” Shouyou cheered, punching the air. “Want a nugget? 350 yen each! Hey, where’s Yamaguchi?”

“No, that’s far too expensive.” Tsukishima retorted. “What- what are you doing?”

“Selling chicken nuggets and therapy? Read the sign, Suckishima!”

Tsukishima squinted at the sign. “I literally can’t read it. Are you functionally illiterate? That… _can’t_ be Japanese.”

“Hey! You didn’t even answer my question! Where’s Yamaguchi?”

Tsukishima shrugged. “He fell off his skateboard and broke his wrist.”

“Oh no!” Shouyou gasped. “What about his serve?”

An exasperated sigh. “Hinata, you buffoon, he has bigger problems than his serve. His _wrist_ is broken.”

Shouyou huffed, annoyed. _Stupidshima._ “Stop harassing me! Anyway, you want a nugget? I broke my bike. Ooh, no, you didn’t want a nugget, did you? Uhhh, how about therapy, then?”

Tsukishima pinched the bridge of his nose. “Please _shut up_.”

“Pleeeease? I’m really good!”

“You’re a volleyball-obsessed, unqualified, insensitive high schooler.”

“So?”

“ _So_ you’re no-”

Shouyou gasped and clapped his hands. “I know! I’ll pay you if you pay me!”

Tsukishima eyed him warily. “Wha- Fine.”

He adjusted his glasses dramatically.

“You pay me half of 12 000 yen and I pay you a third of 12 000 yen.”

Shouyou ran through the calculations in his head. A third was more than a half, right? Yeah! Three’s bigger than two!

“You’re on! Now sit down and tell me how you feel!”

\---

Thirty minutes later, Tsukishima’s head was on the desk. His face was streaked with tears.

Shouyou tapped his fingers on the table slowly and drowsily. “You good?”

“Yes.” choked Tsukishima through badly-suppressed tears. “I mean, no… I mean, uh…” He trailed off before clearing his throat and sitting up.

“So, that’s why I’m emotionally detached and don’t give my all to the sport I used to love.”

“Wow, Stupidshima, sounds rough.” said Shouyou. “Wan’ another McNugget? Oh, and that’s 10 500 yen of ‘em you’ve eaten now. You also… just sat there and stared depress-ly at the ground for half an hour so I don’t _really_ owe you anything.”

Tsukishima groaned weakly, slamming a wad of money onto the table. “I feel _sick.”_

“No shit!” Shouyou replied cheerfully, pocketing the money. _What is it Kenma always says? Oh, right! Stonks!_ “You can go home now! I’ve got the money!”


	3. Bakageyama Refuses To Be Swindled (Curse Him)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Help

Kageyama was the next to fall.

“My grandfather died when I was 13 and I was left alone with my sister, who had given up on volleyball, and volleyball itself.”

“Yeesh.” Shouyou popped a McNugget into his mouth. “Is that why you went all…”

He mimicked Kageyama’s scowl and flattened his hair.

Kageyama glared _daggers_.

Shouyou flinched. “Okay, okay, sorry. I’ll give you a free nugget?”

Kageyama, looking him in the eyes, simultaneously flung his McDonald’s bag off the table and took a long, mocking sip of his milk.

“You have to pay for that, you know?” Shouyou inquired lightly, barely restraining himself from murdering his teammate on the spot. His fingers dug into his homemade how-much-money-have-I-scammed-so-far notebook or whatever it was called, nearly tearing the messily hand-cut printer paper.

“No.” was Kageyama’s response as Shouyou received an empty milk-carton to the face.

“Curse you, Kageyama!”


	4. Yamaguchi Tadashi and the Mystery of the Greasy McNugget

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shouyou robs a house

“Hiiii, Yamaguchi!” yelled Shouyou, bursting into said boy’s bedroom holding a plastic bag containing an unhealthy amount of chicken nuggets.

Yamaguchi was slightly paler than usual and was wearing a plain white t-shirt with “t-shirt” written across it.

He tried to wave but used the wrong hand. He cursed quietly, before changing his tone and greeting Shouyou with a smile. “Hey, Hinata! What’s in the bag?”

“Chicken nuggets! Hey, Yamaguchi, are you traumatized?”

“Um, what? No? Why do you ask?”

Shouyou deflated, flopping onto Yamaguchi’s bed beside. “I was hoping you’d be a teeny tiny bit traumatized from falling off your skateboard so I could give you therapy! I’ve got _experience_ and everything!”

Yamaguchi stared at him incredulously. “You… wait, you were hoping I was _traumatized_?”

“Not lots!” Shouyou said hurriedly. “Just enough that I could charge you for it!”

“That’s… worse, actually.” Yamaguchi informed him.

“Oh.” Shouyou paused, a sinking feeling in his stomach. “Oops? Sorry.”

“It’s fine!” Yamaguchi assured him, giving him a thumbs up. “Actually, can I have a chicken nugget? I’m kinda hungry.”

“Sure!” Shouyou stuck his hand into the bag and rustled around, shoving a single, incredibly greasy McNugget into his friend’s not-broken hand. “350 yen, please!”

Yamaguchi stared at the slightly pathetic chicken nugget in his hand mournfully. “Actually-”

“No takebacks!”

“Oh. Well. Um. Yummy?”

“ _Money,_ Yamaguchi?”

Yamaguchi shoved the chicken nugget into his mouth reluctantly, visibly forcing it down. He coughed before pointing at a desk on which a few coins sat.

Shouyou greedily leaped at the desk. 100 yen… 200 yen… Looking sneakily at Yamaguchi, who was looking back at him oddly, Shouyou swept all the coins into his greasy, nugget-filled bag.

“Hinata, there was _way_ more than 350 yen on that table.” Yamaguchi deadpanned.

“Notherewasn’t!” Shouyou screeched, running at full speed out the door.

“ _Hey!_ You can’t just-”

“Lalalalalala,” Shouyou scream-sang to the tune of Fuyu no Hanashi as he vacated the building at superhuman speeds.


	5. Mothers Everywhere Hate Him- Hinata Shouyou, Wrist-Breaking Wonder

“Sorry, Yamaguchi,” read Shouyou aloud, looking at his phone, “for robbing your house. I won’t do it again.”

“That’s good.” His mother said not-quite-sternly. “Send that. The poor boy. You’ll have to find a way to make it up to him.”

“Discount!” Natsu yelled. “Give ‘im a discount!”

“Awesome idea!” Shouyou yelled, slamming his hands onto the kitchen table. “I can’t believe I didn’t think of that!”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, Shouyou, but perhaps therapy would be a good idea for Yamaguchi.” sighed probably the only rational person in the family. “You’ve traumatized him beyond belief. Also, I _told_ you not to slam your hands on the table.”

“I didn’t traumatize him.” Shouyou whined. “Stop exa- exagruh- zagger- making a big deal out of it! I only took a few coins. He’s definitely been through worse!”

Shouyou’s mother slammed her head on the table. “You _broke his other wrist_ when he tried to chase you.”

“Oh,” he mused. “Maybe that was a bit mean.”

His poor, long-suffering mother made a shooing gesture at him.

He took the hint.


	6. Yamaguchi Benri and The Mysterious Plot Conveniences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi has a very convenient older sister and the plot is warped so it's more fun to write. What the hell is Shouyou talking about? And how will the author, who is making this shit up on the spot, resolve this problem?

Shouyou knocked twice on the Yamaguchi household’s door.

A petite young woman with sharp brown eyes and light brown curls to her chin opened it. She sighed exaggeratedly when she recognized him.

“Tadashi!” she yelled back into the house. “It’s the short orange bitch from your team.”

“Cool!” Yamaguchi’s voice replied. “Be right down!”

Shouyou could hear the heavy sound of footsteps on stairs and the distinct sound of someone falling down said stairs. He pushed past the girl. “You good, Yamaguchi?”

Yamaguchi gave him a Look from where he lay on the ground with both of his wrists in casts.

“Hi, Hinata!” he chirped cheerily, his expression, which rather resembled Kageyama’s resting bitch face, not matching his tone of voice. “Do you _think_ I’m fine?”

Shouyou made a face. “Not really? You just fell down the stairs, Guchi-Guchi.”

“Ha ha!” Yamaguchi’s laughter was wooden and nearly as terrifying as hitting Kageyama in the back of the head with his serve. “You’re right, of course, Hinata.”

“ _Hold_ up.” Shouyou frowned. “Wait, if you’re fine… I was going to offer you my therapy for free! But if you don’t want it.”

Yamaguchi did his horrible robotic laughter again. “Ha ha ha ha! Ha! No! I absolutely _do not_ want your therapy, Hinata Shouyou!”

“That’s creepy, Guchi-Guchi,” he pointed out, “and you don’t need to say my whole name! We’re friends, aren’t we? And even if we weren’t, you don’t just… um… call someone by their entire name!”

“Get out!” yelled the girl who had been standing in the doorway. “This is Tadashi’s fight or flight response! Last time this happened he pushed his little brother down a steep slope on a skateboard!”

_What the fuck?_

“That doesn’t sound like him.” Shouyou mused. “Sounds like poor writing and a pathetic attempt at humour to me!”

“What?” Yamaguchi asked, his face creasing in conclusion.

“What?” Shouyou asked, equally confused.

“Anyway!” The girl stomped her foot. “Leave! Please! You stole our money and literally broke my little brother’s wrist!”

“How did that happen again?” he wondered. “I don’t- how would I even go about doing that? Sounds like another plot hole to me.”

“ _Get!”_

“O _kay,_ sorry!”

Shouyou paused.

“Waitwaitwait, you remind me of someone! Have you heard of Gregg Wallace?”

_“GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” Apparently women don't like being compared to egg-shaped British celebrities. 'Kay. Noted._

Shouyou left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yamaguchi's sister's name is benri, which literally just means "convenient" lmao  
> and yeah, i'm making this all up on the spot which is why it's all shit


	7. Asahi Azumane and the Earth-Shattering Pecs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A surprise guest star breaks the internet with his ginormous man tiddies. We hit 2000 words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't used any honorifics throughout the story, so I'll continue to not. However, especially when Asahi appeared, I really wished I knew more about them so I could put them in. It's kind of weird for Asahi to be referred to by his kouhai as simply Asahi or Azumane but I want to be a LITTLE bit consistent in this shitstorm of a fanfiction so I just didn't add em. Sorry, not that anyone was particularly distraught.

“Howdy hey,” Shouyou said solemnly to Ennoshita Chikara, captain of the volleyball team. “Trauma or nuggets?”

“What?”

“Ok.” he said blandly, walking off. “Bye.”

The team were on a break, chatting idly with one another. Kinoshita was practicing serves, Nishinoya was stretching, Kageyama and Tsukishima were half-heartedly arguing and Yamaguchi was… noticeably absent.

“Ok? Bye? You good, Hinata?”

Shouyou gave Ennoshita a thumbs up.

Ennoshita muttered something about characterization before striking up a conversation with Tanaka.

“Kinoshita!” Shouyou called. “Trauma or nuggets?”

Kinoshita bounced the volleyball he was holding before holding it in his right hand, preparing to serve. “Pardon, Hinata?”

“Trauma or nuggets?”

“Um, neither?” Kinoshita paused, took a few steps back, tossed the ball into the air, taking a step or two before hitting it towards the net. It sailed over, landing out. He snapped his fingers and tch’d at himself irritably, before remembering he was engaged in a conversation. “Hey, have you seen Yamaguchi?”

Shouyou froze.

“NO!” he blurted, running away.

“Bitch,” Tsukishima said loudly, pointing at him.

“Come _on_ , Tsukishima!” Shouyou whined. “One day! _One day_ without called me a bitch!”

“Dream on.” Tsukishima deadpanned, giving him a peace sign that didn’t match his facial expression.

Shouyou took a running jump at Kageyama (who made no effort to catch him) and clung onto his back.

“Get _off,_ dumbass!” Kageyama yelled, flicking him off like a bug.

Shouyou hit a wall with the force of two trucks. He blacked out for a second. When he regained full consciousness, he realized he had not hit a wall. Instead, he had hit Asahi Azumane, ace of Karasuno Voll- wait, what? Didn’t Asahi graduate last year?

This is indeed true. However, Shouyou reasoned with himself, this was a fanfiction in which he sold greasy nug-nugs and psychologically traumatized people as a hobby. _Anything_ is possible.

“Oh my goshness!” Asahi exclaimed, carefully peeling him off his unnaturally muscular chest.

Shouyou was momentarily overcome with emotion. Why the fuck had this beautifully beefy man quit volleyball? He could probably throw and catch a sumo wrestler (perhaps in collaboration with Ushiwaka from Shiratorizawa) with one hand.

“Are you okay?”

Shouyou shook his head rapidly to clear it of impure thoughts. “Oh, yeah! This happens a lot! I basically weigh as much as a bean bag so Kageyama uses me as a shot put!”

“Shot put is the sport. The actual ball is called a shot.” Tsukishima corrected him smugly, pushing his sports glasses (which had not moved whatsoever) further up his nose. “What are you doing here, Azumane?”

Asahi looked guiltily at Nishinoya, then away again. The entire gym had gone silent.

“Visiting,” was the response after a pause.

“How did you get into the school? That can’t be allowed, can it?”

“They thought I was the vice-principal’s uncle.” Asahi looked incredibly embarrassed.

Tsukishima flipped off the sky with both hands, looking thoroughly out of fucks.

“Fookin’ ‘ell, m8,” he muttered in a British accent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being away for a while? Nothing happened. I just didn't write anything.  
> If I can be bothered, there might be a plot twist next chapter. Like I've said before, none of this is planned, so I've got basically no idea what it'll be, but the basic plot is getting a bit old so look forward to something new maybe?


	8. masterpiece theatre iii (new disease in me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story takes a badly-written twist as characters are carelessly killed off to advance the "plot". Featuring blatant sexism, excessive yelling and Amanai Kanoka, all from the point of view of the beloved Hisoka- I mean Hitoka.

Three days later…

“HA!” Hinata gloated from where he had just gotten a quick past Tsukishima.

There was a pause. Tsukishima raised the naughty finger at him ( _he really needs to stop doing that,_ Hitoka thought). Hinata did the same.

Hitoka sighed. _Here we go again._ “Boys,” she reprimanded them, “say sorry.”

“Okaaaaayyy,” the two of them whined in unison.

“Sorry for offending you, _Stupidshima_.”

“Sorry you can’t come up with your own insults, _shrimp._ ”

“Properly!” Hitoka ordered, folding her arms and trying to look stern.

“Sorry.”

“Sorry, I guess.”

There was a crash as someone kicked the door from the outside. It didn’t budge. A female voice swore and there was the sound of someone hopping around on one foot.

“There’s someone outside,” Osomatsu, a rather cruelly named first year, pointed out.

“No duh.” Akuyouji, yet another first year, with a name meaning, absurdly, “evil toddler”.

“ROLLING THUNDER DOOR OPENING TECHNIQUE!” Nishinoya shrieked obnoxiously, rolling over to the door and pulling it open smoothly, revealing a person in a poor ninja cosplay. He then fell on the floor and didn’t move.

“Oh dear!” Hitoka squeaked, for her senpai had been stabbed and had fucking died.

The woman at the door, clad in a suit resembling that of Lily from the children’s game Clumsy Ninja, punched the air in glee. “Hell yeah! I had to practice loads for that to work!”

Her voice was husky, like, she’d been shouting a lot.

 _Hot,_ Hitoka observed, trying not to think about the fact that her teammate had fucking died.

Tanaka howled in grief. “NOYA! MY HOMIE! MY PAL!”

He picked up a speaker and snapped a finger at Ennoshita, who pulled out his phone.

The beautiful sound of Chicken Attack by Takeo Ischi, the chicken yodeler, began to fill the gym.

Tanaka palmed a volleyball. “You’ll pay for this! WOMEEEEEN… BEEEEEE… SHOPPING!”

He hurled volleyball after volleyball (where was he pulling them from??) at the cosplayer, who was repeated bonked on the head.

“I’LL DO IT!” she yelled in between bonks, “OVER AND OVER AGAIN! UNTIL I GET IT!”

She then gracefully front-flipped into the air and slit his throat.

“EW!” yelled pinch server Kinoshita Hisashi, who, since Yamaguchi’s abrupt absence, had really grown into his position. He covered his eyes. “I FUCKING HATE BLOOD!”

“Wimp.” Tsukishima snarked.

The woman, who was obviously Amanai Kanoka, Hitoka may be socially inept but she wasn’t stupid, charged at Osomatsu. The drip was too much for the 15-year-old and he died as well.

Two kiais sounded in perfect unison. Hitoka glanced at the back wall as Coach Ukai and Mr Takeda performed a kata. A giant chunk fell out of the wall.

The entire team made a run for it. Everyone made it out except the dead people, the adults and the random first year that nobody cared about.

Hinata screamed unnecessarily. “SCATTER!”

“YOU FUCKING DUMBASS,” Kageyama yelled in response, “IT’S DARK, RAINY AND WE’RE ON SCHOOL GROUNDS, WE SHOULD GO TO SOMEONE’S HOUSE AND HIDE THERE!”

“WHY NOT OUR OWN HOUSES?” Hitoka yelled, but since she was a woman she was inevitably talked over.

“MY MUM’S BANNED VISITORS BECAUSE SHE’S WORRIED SOMEONE’LL AVENGE GUCHI-GUCHI!” Hinata claimed.

“WE CAN’T GO TO MINE BECAUSE MY BROTHER IS HOSTING FURRYCON AND ALSO I HATE YOU ALL!” Tsukishima retorted.

“I HAVE ELEVEN SIBLINGS!” Kinoshita was out too.

 _Actually_ , Hitoka thought, _that explains a lot._

“I’ve been living on the streets since I spent my life savings on _Shimmer Tsukki_ adverts and made three yen.” Ennoshita, thankfully, did not speak in all caps. “Narita, what about you? Oops, wait, where’s Narita?”

“We left him behind.” Hitoka pointed out.

“We did? I mean, aww, rest in peace. What about you, Hitoka? Can we stay at your place?”

Hitoka picked up her running pace. The team couldn’t possibly learn about her extensive collection of very explicit yuri manga.

“We could go to mine?” she heard Kageyama say to the others behind her. “I live alone apart from my sister who occasionally pops by to pick up one of the 759 nail polishes she left behind when she moved out four years ago.”

“Ooh, yeah!” Hinata agreed, “Miwa is really hot!”

Everyone went silent.

Kageyama made his way to the front of the group as they reached the school gates. The team jogged quietly along the streets to Kageyama’s house, which was quite far away, but through the power of timeskips, took no time at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd apologise, but to be fair, you DID sign up for this. Also, this is the longest chapter yet! Yay?
> 
> Osamatsu's name means lousy, in case you were wondering, though I did use a translator for everything so that's my excuse for any mistakes.
> 
> Tsukishima (Kei, that is) is a furry too. Just so you know. His fursona is Arlo from The Good Dinosaur.


	9. The Mystery of the Million-Year-Old Murray Mints

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The remaining members of Karasuno Volleyball club trek over to Kageyama's house. Hinata sharts, Kinoshita is slandered and Tsukishima is gay and homophobic.

They finished the escape at a walking pace so Yachi (and Tsukishima) could keep up.

“Is this it?” Ennoshita asked, waving his hand at Tobio’s house, a small bungalow painted a dull, peeling grey with a black tiled roof covered with weeds. There was a volleyball lodged in a particularly large clump of weeds, totally out of reach.

“Yeah.” Tobio fished around under his doormat, found his key and swiftly unlocked the door.

Hinata slammed it open, yelling “I win!”. Tobio’s eye twitched as he resisted the urge to grab him by the collar, toss him onto the roof with the volleyball and leave him to rot.

“What time is it?” Yachi asked quietly, noticing his distress.

There was a moment in which everyone reached for their phones or into their pockets to check the time. They were all interrupted.

“’Bout six!” Hinata called from within the house.

“Dinner soon.” Tobio informed them, walking briskly into the house.

He was followed by his hesitant teammates, who looked around, taking in the near-blank walls except for a few pictures of him, Miwa and/or Kazuyo.

“Whozzat?” Hinata asked, unintelligently pointing, already munching on some Murray Mints that were at least five years old.

“That’s my granddad.” Tobio replied curtly, eager to change the subject. “And m’sister.”

A look of realization dawned on Hinata’s face. “Ohhh.” He shut up.

“Don’t they live here?” Tsukishima inquired.

“Granddad’s dead. Miwa’s off doing hair and makeup. Comes home sometimes to pick up things she forgot when she moved out.”

Tsukishima looked uncomfortable. Good. “Sorry, I guess.”

Tobio waved his hand. “It was a while ago. When I was in middle school. He bought those mints, actually,” he continued, gesturing at what Hinata was eating, “but he never finished them.”

Hinata gagged and excused himself.

“ _Anyway,_ ” Tobio grumbled, _very_ eager to change the subject, “I’m making dinner. Who’s going to help?”

Ennoshita and Kinoshita looked at each other. They had been standing awkwardly beside each other for the past minute or so.

“I can’t cook.” Kinoshita declared. “I can burn things, though. Very well.”

“Yeah,” Ennoshita followed him at a similar volume. “Burn friendships very well, _Phannie._ God, you’d think with the amount of time you spend simping for Benendict fucking Cumberbatch you would have deduced how to cook from your poor mother. God, I pity her. Has to put up with you as well as all of your siblings. She’s going to murder you when she finds out you’re running away to America so you can attend DashCon.”

“Woah.” Tobio muttered.

“Roasted.” Tsukishima whispered to himself sarcastically.

There was the unmistakable sound of a shart. Dammit. _Hinata._

“Shut the fuck up, dumbass!” he hollered.

“Okay! Jeez! Sorry!” came an equally loud voice.

“I can cook,” Yachi volunteered.

“Never mind.”

Tobio stormed off into the kitchen.

\--

Two hours later, the survivors of the Super Hateful Awesomen’t Raid Thing (S.H.A.R.T. for short, named by Hinata) were served cold, burnt toast.

“Sorry.” Tobio apologized. “There were some problems. I forgot it was in the oven. Then it burned. Then I let it cool down. Might be a bit tough to chew.”

He received a few judgmental looks (and an incredulous mutter of “Oven?!”) but brushed it off and moved on.

“Ok. Sleeping. There are four beds and two sofas. One of them is Miwa’s and one of them was Granddad’s. Can’t sleep there. That leaves two beds and two sofas. There’s six people. Some of us’ve got to share.”

“I don’t want to sleep in a bed with a gay person.” Tsukishima sneered.

“You’re gay, though?”

“No way.”

“I-“ Kinoshita started, setting down the piece of toast he had been unsuccessfully trying to bite into to volunteer as tribute.

“Kinoshita can sleep on a sofa.” Ennoshita decided warmly, clapping his friend on the back and gripping his shoulder for a second too long to be friendly.

Kinoshita looked very threated. “’Kay.”

“Hinata. Dumbass. You can share with me.”

Tsukishima looked as though someone had stuck a pride flag on his wall (ie disgusted).

“Sure!” Hinata looked suspiciously enthusiastic.

Tsukishima visibly gagged. Hinata frisbee’d his piece of toast at him. The toast hit him square in the forehead and he flopped forwards onto his plate and didn’t move.

Tobio ignored him. “That leaves two beds and a sofa.”

There was a knock on the door. Ennoshita stood up to answer it.

“Not worth it.” Tobio informed him. “That’s the guy who shows up every month or so to take my money.”

“What do you mean?”

“Some shit about ‘bills’. Ennoshita, will you take a bed or a sofa?”

Ennoshita, looking concerned, answered “Bed.”

“Tsukishima can take a sofa.” Tobio eyed his fellow second-year who still hadn’t moved. “Yachi deserves a bed, unlike that fucker.”

“Thanks?”

“Kageyama!” Hinata whined. “Tsukishima isn’t moving! Also, do you have a volleyball court in your garden? I wanna hit some tosses!”

Tobio was confused. “It’s bedtime, though.”

“It’s eight o’clock!”

“Yeah.” He repeated. “Bedtime. Sleep schedules are important. I wake up early. I don’t want to get sick. You’d not know.”

Hinata fizzed with indignation. “ _Fine!_ ” he yelled. “Let’s see who can go to sleep first, Sleepy-yama!”

“You’re on.”

-

They lay facing each other on Tobio’s bed, staring homoerotically into each other’s eyes.

Well, less homoerotic and more of a staring contest. Tobio was definitely winning.

“Kageyama…” Hinata whispered softly. “You wanna kiss me so bad…”

Tobio flipped onto his other side and manually shut his brain off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bet yall thought you could get rid of me 😎


End file.
